emotions

I have been in Centennial Women's Hospital multiple times since August 2005; twice as a patient for myself, 1001 (seemingly) times to visit my babies or my nephew LBH when he was there, and several times to visit and thank the people who saved mine and my baby's lives. I always get a pit in my stomach when I walk in there. The smell of the hospital and the sounds have never changed in the last 5 years and when I walk in there, I instinctivly want to head to the 7th floor to visit my child; even when they are holding my hand beside me.

I have struggled with that for 5 years. But, I do not think I have ever been struck as hard with those emotions as I was this past Monday... My sister is having pregnancy complications and had to have a cerglage put in due to an imcompetent cervix. Walking into those doors, and the first thing I got was the smell (CMC doesn't stink at all- it just has a distinctive smell to me). Then, we register her in and walk her to a room. A patient room. I have never been on the sit and wait side of that... I was always the patient. I guess I see now how they seemed so calm- it's all a front for the person laying in the bed. I cannot even begin to describe how hard it was to sit there. For starters, my sister in only 19 weeks pregnant- way too soon for my niece to be born yet- what if this didn't work or what if this sent her into labor... what if.. what if...

and then my mind goes back to when I first walked (well, rolled- I was on a stretcher) into this hospital and all those fears for my tiny baby that was soon to be born came flooding back. (and bear in mind, I had 2 tiny baby's there). It was at times all I could do to keep from breaking down into sobs. We have had many a scary day at Centennial Women's Hospital- and thank GOD that we made it though it all.

And yet, on MOnday, I just sat there. Assured Dana that everything would be fine- this was gonna work... AND I'M STILL PRAYING IT DOES. And allowed my heart to cry out silently to God, because my mouth wouldn't work. And played the tough strong sister that takes care of everyone- because that's my job. Fear and all- I will do this because I'm needed.